I wanted a break because I needed to stop and actually live life instead of trying to record it every few minutes.
I needed to soak it all in and live in the present.
I don't even think I can use enough English words to describe these moments I long to box up and keep forever.
Mothers, I'm talking to you.
You know when you wake to a smiling baby, those toothless, gummy perfect grins with sweet squeals that melt any sad away...
Those precious babies that look at you like you're the world's only AND best thing...
Those excited, full of joy eyes--that have yet to witness anything ugly or hurtful in the world.
Or, how about when you take their sweet soft, small hands in yours...feeling the warmth and tenderness of their skin.
The way they grasp tightly onto your chest, your finger, your nose...
Or, when they excitedly pull your face close to theirs to suck on your cheek or to drool all over you.
Or, how about the sweet scents of baby...
The light smell of lavender baby lotion, a little milk smell and the warmth of their marbled skin.
Or, when you watch your children gaze upon one another--the love that can transpire between siblings.
The prayers you whisper quietly in those few seconds to God who made them,
praying that they forever love one another and look after one another.
These moments....the ones where nothing special has to happen...maybe you find yourself in pjs on an early morning, nestled by your child, watching another Mickey Mouse Clubhouse episode---and nursing an ever growing "newborn"---and it hits you how truly lucky you are.
How blessed you are to have known such a love....
yet, a love that makes you vulnerable and scared all at the same time.
I'm still working on living in the moment.
In this age of Facebook, blogs and social media sites---there is a lot that can steal your time and attention away from these moments.
And life, as it is---flies by so fast without these distractions.
Where does it go?
I know I've written about this a handful of times, but I guess because it weighs heavily on me.
Especially in the quiet of the nights, when my children and husband are all snoozing...I find myself awake, full of worries, the "what ifs' and the whys?
Life is fragile.
As humans, we witness a lot of death--or close calls on a daily basis.
(If you watch or read the news, which is the most depressing.)
Or, if you have had a fair share of it in your life.
Maybe someone you loved has died.
I know I don't deal with death well.
I guess sometimes you can be a bit prepared for it---say if a person has been sick for awhile. Maybe you're grateful the loved one is no longer in pain, however I don't think it lessens the heartache.
The deaths that are probably the hardest to understand are the ones caused by accidents, unexplainable or inexcusable things that cut lives short.
Those deaths are so hard to wrap a brain or heart around.
As a mom now, I worry.
I worry about this world we live in.
It's so full of evil and lawlessness.
I feel like no one values life anymore,
Or, the consequences.
Sometimes, I get pulled into this dark downward spiral,
obsessing about it....
How would my children do without me if I died?
How could my husband manage our children without their mom?
Where would they go, who would take care of them?
OR,
God forbid, how could I ever live life if something happen to them?
I know this post isn't easy to read--so, if you made it this far than this is me hugging ((you))--
Basically, I guess in a rambling about way, I'm conveying a worry of a mom.
Maybe I'm just showing what a mom looks like with little faith?
Or, maybe this is God showing me to always be humbled?
That I should live now--
to continue to kiss my children five hundred and seventy-nine thousand times a day,
And my husband.
Maybe, I should just start now being the best mom and woman I need to be.
Yes, life is short--even without it being 'cut short',
Regardless if I live to see 100 years old or just tomorrow...
I need to live in love--and show Christ's love in everything I do.
Maybe I need to re-think of these feelings I have in the dark hours when I'm tempted to let my patience run out--or when I am quick with my tongue and not with my heart.
Tonight, as I go to sleep--I'll pray that no matter what time I have left on this Earth that God can use me.
That He will keep my family in His hands, my loved ones in His hands and that I can use every trial (or dark period) to learn and grow more in Him.
Thanks lovely readers, for allowing me to 'vent' my fears and with that--God spoke to me and my heart is now in peace with Him.
-hk
"Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes." -James 4:14
"Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do now know what a day may bring." -Proverbs 27:1
"So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom." -Psalm 90:12
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