Friday, June 27, 2014

You called me out on the waters ---One step closer

First off, I want to say thank you to the many wonderful friends and family that have reached out to me the last few days after my post.  The calls, texts, FB messages, comments...all helped me so much. I felt the prayers. They kept me going.

I also want to say, if I made anyone worried or over concerned with my last post...please forgive me. I wasn't looking for pity or worry or to be dramatic. As a writer, I 'pen' how I feel. I was at a low when I wrote my last post...however, I finally feel and see the light at the end of this tunnel. (So I pray!)

Which leads me to here---I'm finally getting answers.

After what seems like many weeks of unexplained pain--it has lead my doctors to the gallbladder.
For such a small little organ, it sure can cause a lot of ache.

My ribs and right side have been in some sort of pain for awhile. A lot of burning, sharp stabs, constant dull pain...brought on even more if I eat. 

Yesterday I had a HIDA scan. The scan would tell me conclusively if it was my gallbladder. I was nervous about this test for numerous dumb reasons.

 1.) I had to drive to San Marcos to get the scan alone. 
Here we are in great big Austin and I had to go into San Marcos for it. The rest of the clinics were booked until end of next week. Well, I wasn't going to wait that long with this pain.

2.) The scan also has a time where the inject you with CCK so it can recreate the gallbladder pain. I read horror stories and since I was in pain going in...I wasn't exactly excited for more of it.

3.) I am a worrier.

4.) I don't like being told what to do. (Aka, lay here for two hours, very still while I inject some radioactive mess into you.)

But--It wasn't as of a big deal.

The drive to SM was easy and fast. The CCK isn't used as much so therefore I got to drink a very fat-laden ENSURE to mimic a fatty meal and it has less side effects obviously....

I still worried and I may of cried some laying there (but that's for another reasons, mentioned below).

And last but not least, the man running the scan was very nice. He was an old man who told me he grew up with George Strait and has sat at many a bar stool with him. (Btw, I was wearing my George Strait shirt that says 'Love is Everything'). 
So, it was kinda neat talking to him.

My results came back fast.
My gallbladder is functioning at 19%.
It is failing, aka dying and thus it needs to be out.

I spent the majority of yesterday finding surgeons and on the phone trying my best to set something up pronto.

Which brings me to this, I will be seeing a surgeon on Monday. And if I'm lucky I can have surgery the next day or the next.

Am I scared for surgery? Yes.
But, I am in bad pain and can't eat.

I know My Savior has His hand on me and I know I have so many loved one that are praying for me. I do have some peace about it.

Yesterday God revealed to me that I needed this test to expand my faith.
While I was doing the scan, I glanced over at the monitor. I saw my 'lit up' gallbladder from the radioactive dye and I knew that the dye needed to be filtered out of my GB. Going on two hours, it wasn't changing. It still glowed.

Well, then on my ipod came the song 'Ocean's' by Hillsong.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

The words convicted me so much. I began to cry. I cried because I knew my gallbladder was failing before the test was over--and that this was God giving me a test.

I blogged before about having little faith, well this was my faith tester.
He needed me to trust Him. To step out on the waters....because HE will be there.

So here I am.

God revealed that to me. And I couldn't help but to cry and cry for His unconditional and unwavering love He has always shown me.  I cried for His mercy that He gave so freely throughout my life. Here I've been scared and worried...but HE has me. HE SUSTAINS me! All these years, He has held me in His arms and He is still here. Why have I been so scared? So, now I say, praise Him!

Praise Him! And that's what I'm doing now. PRAISING HIM!

I am scared. But I have peace. HE is good ALL the time.
I may have a long road still, but my spirit is lifted.

I want to end this again, saying thank you for the prayers and all the love...goodness it means the world to me. Yall have helped me so much...and I will always be a prayer warrior for you too. Just let me know. Thanks again.

So much love,


Sunday, June 22, 2014

I wanted this to be happy

As the title says...

I wanted to write a happy-joyous blog about my George Strait concert weekend, or the week at VBS or the much anticipated week at the beach that is coming up but, they would all be fake.

Fake, because I'm not happy. I've been suffering.

And perhaps, most wouldn't share this but, I over share. It helps to some degree and maybe someone will find this and it will help them.

The last few weeks I've been getting worse. VBS distracted me...but now the time is coming to face the unknown.

I've been dealing with weird medical issues off and on for months--with no answers. I've gotten tons of prescriptions for things..mainly anxiety. And, I do believe I have anxiety but that's not causing this. a digestion issue. Or something.

I can hardly eat (I should really be skinny but I am not) and I get sick after most meals.

It has stolen my joy.
I really get joy out of eating :/
I don't want to cook...and sitting with my family at dinner is just that.
I can't eat what they eat. I almost always have something different. Or, nothing at all.

Are there days I still sneak something bad? Yes...but I pay for it. Greatly.

Anyway, this week I go in again to see my doctor. I think Thursday I will be spending most of the day doing tests and labs...and maybe I'll know more or not the following week. Then, it's off to see a GI specialist and perhaps a surgeon.

I will explain more later when I know..but that's not the point of this post.

The point is...
I suck lately.

I just do.

I feel like I've been in a season of failing lately.
I can't seem to get my brain around stuff. My house is more often a mess than patience runs thin...I still can't lose my baby weight (I will call it baby weight forever...just so you know.) And I feel like I am just sucking as a mom and wife. I am not as engaging as I want. I don't cook as much anymore (in fact, Justin took over those reins weeks ago.) I am scared a lot....and I just plain STINK right now as a mom.

Excuse the language. I don't like the word suck..but, it's the only one that fits how I feel.

My husband has stepped up SO much. I mean, he normally is always so helpful. But, he is going over and beyond the call.
 I can't help but to be so very grateful to him and to God for allowing me to have a man like him.
I wish with everything in me I could be half the spouse he is to me.

I am sorry if this post is depressing but that's where I am right now.
Down and out.

And upset.

Upset that I've let this steal so much from me.

I know it's not cool to admit to depression and weakness, but I am not looking to be cool.
I am humbled. I am scared...I'm worried.
I know I have so many blessings so truly I should be jumping and doing cartwheels but, right now I'm in a low valley.

I'm hoping I can find my way out of this valley that I can be the mom God calls me to be. To be the wife that I so desperately want to be...and to be the Child of God that can be used for His Kingdom.

This post wasn't meant for pity--I just wanted to be real about myself.

Social media and blogs usually show a lot of perfection and I am so not that.
And I think it's important that people see real life.

To know that we are all struggling sometimes. Sometimes we are barely afloat...or having to be carried by others. Right now I am keeping my head above water...just barely.
My eyes just need to find a horizon with land soon.

"...he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out, saying, "Lord, save me!" -Matthew 14:30

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Atlanta trip recap and recents

Hi beautiful readers,

I figured I'd do a small recap on my two week 'holiday' in Atlanta.  As most know, I'm a small town girl at heart.  I love Austin but nothing can beat out time with my family and the beautiful Piney Woods of Northeast Texas.  I love how life slows down to an extent.  I mean, there are things I miss while I'm there, like the options of all the great and healthy food choices I have at my fingertips. Oh, and of course there is a lot to do in Austin. Plus, I have easy access to doctors and clinics here. (I am a bit of a paranoid person so living less than a mile from a hospital helps me!) Ha! And I'm close to UT and all the great sporting events for the Horns....but, I digress.

That said, my time in Atlanta was so cherished and blessed.

I always start the trip a bit apprehensive because I am driving across state ALONE with two babes.  A lot can go wrong alone but then throw in two toddlers and well, your stress levels go up. Anyway you cut it, the drive is six hours alone--then add an additional two or so hours with two kiddos.

On the way up to Atlanta, we got rained on. Therefore, changing babies on the back of my tailgate in the rain wasn't fun for me or Kix.  Rest stops and stopping where there are no gas stations is something I've grown accustomed to doing! It seems we ALWAYS need to stop once we are five miles out of the last town we stopped in! Ha!

However, as soon as I got off I-35 and leaving Waco in the dust, I began to feel free.
The green expanding pastures and big skies opened up and my heart feels happy and free.  I love the country.  My ideal world would be we could do it both.  You know live in both worlds...But, I guess that's kinda hard.

Anyway, when we got to Tyler, we got to meet up with Rachel at the Rose Gardens.  I love that girl. Rachel has been my bestie since we were in womb. Rachel and I even had baby showers together (as in our moms were pregnant with us).  After a quick stretch of the legs, visiting Rachel and letting my kids run wild we got on the road for the longest part of the trip.

If you ever drive to Austin and Atlanta much--then you know from Avinger to Atlanta is the world's longest forty-five miles. It is curvy, hilly passage full of the tallest Pine trees. It's beautiful but it always seems someone desperately needs a potty visit when we hit this stretch. And there isn't a real safe spot to pull over for miles. But, we managed.

Once in Atlanta I spent the days visiting grandparents.  I didn't do a lot of social visiting because my time really was booked.  I had a few dentist visits and an orthodontist visit.  I also saw my uncle (for a wellness check up) and I spent nearly every afternoon with my grandparents.  I did squeeze in a lunch with Juli in Texarkana (and her cutie, Parker) and with Nikki in downtown Atlanta.  Otherwise, my days were booked with going to see family and doing what I would typically do with my kiddos.  I did get to see Meme some as well and my brother, Carter, also came into town.  The two weeks flew by--and I wished for more!

Me and the kiddos did take advantage of the cooler spring weather, but by the end of the week it was getting rather warm.  So, I'm glad we got to be outside a lot. We set up a tent for a few days of 'camping', rode the tractor, watched fireflies, saw dozens of deer, rabbits, geese and other wild life. The boys rode bikes and big wheel toys. They loved playing on Big Daddy's playhouse and tire swing. They ran around free on lots of land.  Played with every old toy we ever owned as a kid and just had a great big time!  Both grandparents live on a lake so they got to play and see a lot of gorgeous Texas nature on display. All in all, couldn't of asked for a better time there! Like I said, we would of stayed longer.

But, one of the reasons I got back into town was because I didn't want to miss another Sunday at church.
J and I do Sunday school teaching and though it has been so wonderful and a blessing to me...I think Justin and I won't be teaching next year.

Our weekends are usually busy because Justin is gone during the weeks and sometimes he works weekends. So, essentially we don't go anywhere together unless *one* of us can stick in town. Basically, both of us never leave town together so that we can help with Sunday school.

I definitely want to serve our church and to serve Him so I am still not sure what our next course will be.

We also have been missing a lot of church sermons this year due to teaching.  Mainly because the boys are worn out by the time 'BIG' church starts and are ready for naps (Kix that is.)  So, I think we will look again at teaching when they are older.  Also, with my grandparents aging and time is precious, I want to feel like I can easily leave on the weekends to be with them. And that Justin can come with us!

Phew, ok. Got a little long winded there. So that's that.

In the next few weeks we have some exciting things. I will be seeing George Strait this weekemd (WHOO HOO!) His last concert...and it will be a BIG one! I hear Kenny Chesney will be there, too! I hope Tim McGraw comes as well. I am SO excited to go and really grateful that Carter got the hook up! We initially had some (nosebleed) tickets but thanks to Carter working for the Cowboys he was able to snag us some better seats!

After that, I will be teaching VBS and then we are gearing up to go on vacation at the beach with the whole family.  The final thing for the summer is Kie's tonsil removal. Something I'm definitely not looking forward to doing.

But, I'll try and worry about that later.

Also, my next post will be about my 'battle of the mom pooch'.  I joined a new gym that I CAN WALK TO (see, urban living has it's pluses) and I also started with a personal trainer.
So, if you're into fitness then check back soon.

Alright, now for a few pics to leave you with!

Justin never makes a normal face for me. 
finally finished their classroom/playroom
Oh my Dad.
Meme. Me, Kix, Gran, Papa and Kie
watching for fireflies with Daddy. We have so many in our yard!
washing my car
helping Daddy finish the room
deer everywhere

East Texas storm coming in...running back with kiddos to the car. Seriously love the Texas storms.

Meme and Kie playing spin the tops
BoBo loves his books at nap time

Tea party with Madoo with my old tea cup set
helping Kix with the harmonica

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