I wanted to write a happy-joyous blog about my George Strait concert weekend, or the week at VBS or the much anticipated week at the beach that is coming up but, they would all be fake.
Fake, because I'm not happy. I've been suffering.
And perhaps, most wouldn't share this but, I over share. It helps to some degree and maybe someone will find this and it will help them.
The last few weeks I've been getting worse. VBS distracted me...but now the time is coming to face the unknown.
I've been dealing with weird medical issues off and on for months--with no answers. I've gotten tons of prescriptions for things..mainly anxiety. And, I do believe I have anxiety but that's not causing this.
This...is a digestion issue. Or something.
I can hardly eat (I should really be skinny but I am not) and I get sick after most meals.
It has stolen my joy.
I really get joy out of eating :/
I don't want to cook...and sitting with my family at dinner is just that.
I can't eat what they eat. I almost always have something different. Or, nothing at all.
Are there days I still sneak something bad? Yes...but I pay for it. Greatly.
Anyway, this week I go in again to see my doctor. I think Thursday I will be spending most of the day doing tests and labs...and maybe I'll know more or not the following week. Then, it's off to see a GI specialist and perhaps a surgeon.
I will explain more later when I know..but that's not the point of this post.
The point is...
I suck lately.
I just do.
I feel like I've been in a season of failing lately.
I can't seem to get my brain around stuff. My house is more often a mess than not....my patience runs thin...I still can't lose my baby weight (I will call it baby weight forever...just so you know.) And I feel like I am just sucking as a mom and wife. I am not as engaging as I want. I don't cook as much anymore (in fact, Justin took over those reins weeks ago.) I am scared a lot....and I just plain STINK right now as a mom.
Excuse the language. I don't like the word suck..but, it's the only one that fits how I feel.
My husband has stepped up SO much. I mean, he normally is always so helpful. But, he is going over and beyond the call.
I can't help but to be so very grateful to him and to God for allowing me to have a man like him.
I wish with everything in me I could be half the spouse he is to me.
I am sorry if this post is depressing but that's where I am right now.
Down and out.
Upset that I've let this steal so much from me.
I know it's not cool to admit to depression and weakness, but I am not looking to be cool.
I am humbled. I am scared...I'm worried.
I know I have so many blessings so truly I should be jumping and doing cartwheels but, right now I'm in a low valley.
I'm hoping I can find my way out of this valley soon...so that I can be the mom God calls me to be. To be the wife that I so desperately want to be...and to be the Child of God that can be used for His Kingdom.
This post wasn't meant for pity--I just wanted to be real about myself.
Social media and blogs usually show a lot of perfection and I am so not that.
And I think it's important that people see real life.
To know that we are all struggling sometimes. Sometimes we are barely afloat...or having to be carried by others. Right now I am keeping my head above water...just barely.
My eyes just need to find a horizon with land soon.
"...he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out, saying, "Lord, save me!" -Matthew 14:30