Sunday, June 22, 2014

I wanted this to be happy

As the title says...

I wanted to write a happy-joyous blog about my George Strait concert weekend, or the week at VBS or the much anticipated week at the beach that is coming up but, they would all be fake.

Fake, because I'm not happy. I've been suffering.

And perhaps, most wouldn't share this but, I over share. It helps to some degree and maybe someone will find this and it will help them.

The last few weeks I've been getting worse. VBS distracted me...but now the time is coming to face the unknown.

I've been dealing with weird medical issues off and on for months--with no answers. I've gotten tons of prescriptions for things..mainly anxiety. And, I do believe I have anxiety but that's not causing this. a digestion issue. Or something.

I can hardly eat (I should really be skinny but I am not) and I get sick after most meals.

It has stolen my joy.
I really get joy out of eating :/
I don't want to cook...and sitting with my family at dinner is just that.
I can't eat what they eat. I almost always have something different. Or, nothing at all.

Are there days I still sneak something bad? Yes...but I pay for it. Greatly.

Anyway, this week I go in again to see my doctor. I think Thursday I will be spending most of the day doing tests and labs...and maybe I'll know more or not the following week. Then, it's off to see a GI specialist and perhaps a surgeon.

I will explain more later when I know..but that's not the point of this post.

The point is...
I suck lately.

I just do.

I feel like I've been in a season of failing lately.
I can't seem to get my brain around stuff. My house is more often a mess than patience runs thin...I still can't lose my baby weight (I will call it baby weight forever...just so you know.) And I feel like I am just sucking as a mom and wife. I am not as engaging as I want. I don't cook as much anymore (in fact, Justin took over those reins weeks ago.) I am scared a lot....and I just plain STINK right now as a mom.

Excuse the language. I don't like the word suck..but, it's the only one that fits how I feel.

My husband has stepped up SO much. I mean, he normally is always so helpful. But, he is going over and beyond the call.
 I can't help but to be so very grateful to him and to God for allowing me to have a man like him.
I wish with everything in me I could be half the spouse he is to me.

I am sorry if this post is depressing but that's where I am right now.
Down and out.

And upset.

Upset that I've let this steal so much from me.

I know it's not cool to admit to depression and weakness, but I am not looking to be cool.
I am humbled. I am scared...I'm worried.
I know I have so many blessings so truly I should be jumping and doing cartwheels but, right now I'm in a low valley.

I'm hoping I can find my way out of this valley that I can be the mom God calls me to be. To be the wife that I so desperately want to be...and to be the Child of God that can be used for His Kingdom.

This post wasn't meant for pity--I just wanted to be real about myself.

Social media and blogs usually show a lot of perfection and I am so not that.
And I think it's important that people see real life.

To know that we are all struggling sometimes. Sometimes we are barely afloat...or having to be carried by others. Right now I am keeping my head above water...just barely.
My eyes just need to find a horizon with land soon.

"...he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out, saying, "Lord, save me!" -Matthew 14:30


  1. HK...I am praying for you. Dealing with illness that is not easily diagnosable is hard. I went through a similar situation almost 10 years ago...and the diagnosis was found by my chiropractor. She was able to determine that the valve in between my intestines was getting stuck either open or shut. I don't think I need to tell you how I felt when it was stuck in either position. I would highly recommend seeing someone like a chiropractor that doesn't just take x-rays, but is more holistic. They are much better in tune with reading your body and don't always have to "adjust" you to fix you. Acupuncture was also super helpful.

    As for the depression...I can relate there too. It took a long time to admit that that was what was going on as I was waiting for the switch to flip one day and it never did. Seeing a therapist was beyond helpful and I still go to this day just to keep myself in check and she has helped me through so many life events that I think otherwise would have really knocked me back. When I first started going I was incredibly reluctant to go on medication. I didn't want to just take something, but after about 3 months of seeing her and still never being able to get out the funk I agreed to go on a low dose generic anti-depressant. After a few weeks I really started to feel in control and like myself again. It was amazing, I forgot what it felt like. I stayed on the medication for about a year and half until I found out I was pregnant. It was safe to take, but I really wanted to go off. So I did and haven't needed to go back on. Whether I would consider myself lucky or not, I don't know. But you have to do what is best for you and not worry about what society thinks. Not to mention your family - they want you health and happy too! I have come to realize that a lot of people can post their perfect lives for others to see but they probably have their own 'ish that they are too embarrassed to share but it's life not a fairy tale.

    I hope you find some answers and peace soon!

    1. Michele, thank you so much for your kind and loving comment. I appreciate the prayers so much. And I appreciate you taking the time to reach out to me as well. I definitely believe in going exploring different routes to treat our bodies and our emotional well-beings. Now that I know that it is my gallbladder and that it is failing, surgery is the option I feel best going about. Scared, yes...but it will only get me sicker. That said, I also got some meds for my emotional well-being. I am waiting until after surgery to start them, because I feel a lot of this emotional issues have been because of my failing health and on-going pain. (That was a mystery for so long!)

      I also SO agree that a therapist is so beneficial. I had one for awhile and loved going. It helped a lot but now it has been hard finding a babysitter to go to sessions. But, I hope to resume down the road.

      I know a lot of people don't like to discuss the lows we experience but I feel it helps others in return, too. We sometimes struggle, and we need to know it's ok to get help from others. I also hope that I can help others who need it, too. Like you did for me :) . Anyway, thanks again for the love and means the world to me!

      God Bless! <3 HK


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