Oh, Halley of little faith.

"I am the vine; you are the branches. The one who remains in ME and I in him produces much fruit, because you can do nothing without ME. If anyone does not remain in ME, he is thrown aside like a branch and he withers." -John 15:5-6

I opened my Bible today and this verse convicted me. As it has many times. Yesterday, I faced a hardship (or so I thought). I was worried because some lab results I was waiting from my doctor. In that short period of time, a day--I went into a full blown depression and dark spot. The worries of 'what ifs' and 'how can *WE* afford or face this potential issue?' I researched the internet (worse thing to do) and began wondering how *I*could handle it.

I had many amazing friends tell me I needed to pray. I knew I NEEDED to...but, as the true sinner I am...I thought about my worries and my issues. I did go to God in prayer but I did not depend on Him. I was withering. Here I cried to Him, that I was not ready for this test. And that's the truth. I was NOT READY to be tested like this. You see, I love my God but I don't think I can weather things. I am weak. I am like a tree with shallow roots.

Yesterday showed me just how faithfully POOR I am. My faith is smaller than a mustard seed. How can my God use me if I DON'T REMAIN IN HIM!? How can GOD USE such a weak sinner like myself? A girl that runs to her deepest fears and wallows in the 'what ifs' of life. 

I found out that some of my test results came back negative. I was relieved. Relieved but also sad in myself. Sad to realize just how much I don't depend on Him when life scares me. It is hard to write this, much less post it but I felt I needed to share. You see, I do love God. I love my Savior. But, my faith is small. When Jesus said, 'HAVE COURAGE! It is I. Don't be afraid!" (Matthew 14:27) I still sank to the bottom of the sea, much like Peter. When I got the results back, I heard Him say, "You of little faith, why did you doubt Me?" (v.31) 

I am ashamed and sad. I know I have much growing to do. I am posting this to share so that if you're anything like me, then perhaps we can all grow, learning to depend on Him. Keeping His word in our hearts and prayers on our lips.

I am thankful for the good news, and I will work everyday to lean on Him and to stay in Him so hopefully one day I bear fruit in His name. 

And here is the beautiful promise from Jesus:

"If you remain in Me and My words remain in you, ask whatever you want and it will be done for you. My Father is glorified by this, that you produce much fruit and prove to be My disciples." (John 15:7-8) 

God bless you for reading all this. Shalom.