Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Do You Struggle with Yourself? I do!

Why hello lovely readers :)

I do not know what is going on this Winter.
Here in Austin, we've had two days of canceled schools in a week because of 'ice and snow'.

But, this weekend we should be back in the high 60's!
If you suffer from allergies or get sick easily with the weather changing, then this is NOT the place to live.

I just wanted to write because I had some items on my mind.

Yesterday I wrote out this long and wordy blog.
I was hurt. And I've been hurt and angry for awhile now.

The normal, un-grace-filled Halley wanted to spout off at the mouth. To vent. To yell. To call names. To be mean. To 'say-it like it is!'

I struggle with THAT Halley a lot.
She reacts to her feelings.
She hurts. She gets mad.

That is typical me.
But, in this same person is a girl who struggles to do what is right. My urge to do right only comes from the Holy Spirit. It is very natural for me to do wrong and to react....but, my heart that longs for Him and to be a vessel of light and love, knows better.
My love for Him overrides those feelings.  It may not be my initial feelings...but, in time--I am grateful for no reaction. I'm grateful for NOT saying anything.

So, I never posted.

It also helps that I have amazing friends and family that remind me what is important in life. However, I can't help but to struggle with my sinful nature that wants 'revenge.'
I don't think the word revenge is right, per say.
I don't want revenge. I just, want to say what I feel. And to finally SAY what I've been feeling for some time.

But, I digress.
The important thing is, I have to learn to love like Christ. To forgive like I've been commanded to do.
To see others as HE sees us.

I mean, Christ calls us to loves others as HE loves us.
And, I'm a sinner SO fallen from Grace.
If HE can love ME..a terrible sinner unworthy to utter His name....can't I love others who hurt me and my family?

Can't I see past their hurt to love them?
Can't I try to understand why they do what they do, say what they say? (Maybe not understand but to see that they are hurtful because they are indeed, hurt themselves?)
I don't deserve the love Christ gives me, so surely I can give grace to others because I am the same?

I'm sure these issues wont go away just because I am going to learn to pray and love them....but, hopefully when and if another situation arises, I'll be slower to anger, and quicker to get on my knees and pray for this person.

I am not writing this for pity or for anyone to think I'm 'tooting my own horn' because I'm not.
But, the truth is, I needed to write in some ways about it.
I'm a writer by nature. I feel better when I get a chance to write and to sort things.

I've have wanted to 'talk' about this, but I have debated how to do it.
I've been angry and upset so I've had a few posts over time that I write and delete because they were too blunt. They were TOO reactionary. 
I don't want to react. I wanted to think, and reflect.

And luckily, God has been putting a lot in front of me to see.
And I'm grateful for that.
I'll always be a work in progress....and I pray God keeps His Word in my heart and head at all times.
I hope everyday that I die more to myself and that HE will be seen in me. That my actions and words will always reflect HIM instead of what HALLEY feels.

SO, I'm gonna end this blog in some things I've been thanking God for lately.

You know, a lot of times I go to God in prayer because of hurt and burdens. But, I need to always go to Him everyday, multiple times in praise and worship and with thanksgiving in my heart!

I've got so much to be thankful for~ and I'm sure you do too!

Here is what I'm so very thankful for today:

  • I'm thankful for a warm house with a heater on these cold days.
  • I'm thankful for a full pantry and fridge of healthy foods. These necessities are things that a lot of people don't even have--and yet, I take them for granted!
  • I'm thankful for warm clothes--and a washing machine to wash them in!
  • I'm grateful for my two healthy children. Their health is a blessing!
  • I'm grateful for a husband who works hard everyday. Who never complains and serves us whole heartily. (I could go on and on about him but I'll save it for another post).
  • I'm thankful for amazing family that loves and gets together as much as we can. (Even if we all live so far away from one another.)
  • I'm grateful for a church home and Godly people that I know through it.
  • I'm grateful we live in the HOME OF THE FREE--because, even tho it can seem bad at times, I can freely say what I want about my God and worship Him.
  • I'm thankful for our brave troops, past and present that fight for our freedoms. 
  • I'm thankful for God's Son, Jesus Christ. He truly set US FREE! My sins that crush me and my soul are forgiven because of His blood. Praise Him!
  • I'm grateful I live in Texas---because tho it is cold, we only have a handful of these days a year.
  • I'm grateful for my health.
  • I'm grateful for a million shallow things (like Amazon.com lol and my car to get me to and fro) but I'm not going to list them all because this what be insanely long.
In short, I've got a thousand more things I could list and be thankful for---
basically, I have way more things I should be in prayer about.
Thank you God, for everything you do and give in my life.

I pray I show your love.
I pray I react less like ME but love and react as You would.
To give more, expect less....
and to show grace always.

Thank you for everything!


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