I should be sleeping.
But, unfortunately, when my husband got up this morning--
so did my brain.
The brain of a pregnant lady is a scary thing.
Or, at least in MY case, it is.
It never turns off. And when it does turn off, for those few hours of sleep...if it dares to get disturbed, say by the overactive
pregnant bladder....well, then there's a chance it won't go back to sleep for hours.
The pregnant brain during a first pregnancy
consists of a lot of worries.
Rightfully so.
You don't know what to expect of the impending future.
Of the labor.
Or the delivery.
The life POST baby.
Will you breast feed or do formula?
Will you co-sleep or not?
Did you get the right pediatrician?
What about this jogging stroller?
How's this car seat?
Will I do cloth diapers or not?
Will I do play dates with other moms?
How's marriage going to be affected?
What about this body?
Will my house forever look like a show room for Babies R US?
Will I ever get out this house?
Will I ever get into my skinny jeans?
What about vaccines?
What about daycare?
What about school districts?
What about my child's future girlfriend or boyfriend?
How many more hours until my husband gets home?!
Where's our world going to?
Should I have brought a child into this
uncertain, big place full of germs with the opposite sex and scariness?
(I'm the kind of crazy mom that worries about future girlfriends)
See...
It can be daunting and overwhelming.
And that's just
the tip of the tip of the TIP of the iceberg.
Being a mommy=worrying.
It's what we do.
Rare cases, are the calm, cool and collected mommies that may not worry.
Even those mommies that seem to not worry, well...
deep down they do.
Worrying, in a woman's world...
equates to care and love.
We worry because we care.
Silly and exhausting as it is, but true.
If a momma didn't worry about the future of her child--or the thousands of decisions she has to make for her child that can affect them for years to come--well, then obviously she probably doesn't care too much.
Unfortunately, in this world there are people like that.
I wouldn't call them mommies.
They're merely women who had children. Not all women who have children are mommas.
It's a regarded title in my book.
I digress.
My worries these days steam from
not the first time jitters of new momma-hood.
Because, in the way my OB/GYN treats me...
I should be an expert with this whole delivery/mom thing.
Little does he know, that the reason I don't ask many questions is because I'm too distracted by my toddler who is busy trying to open the bio-hazard trash can behind him.
Yep, proud momma.
Also, I can't recall what to do with a newborn anymore...and really, I need to be reading some of my old books to get back into the swing of things.
My worries these days are
far and crazy.
I worry over my toddler.
Am I spending enough time with him?
Does he know I love him?
How's he going to adjust to a new baby?
Is he going to continue this hitting/kicking thing?
What if he hits the new baby?
How do I enforce timeout better?
How is my house going to survive with my
crazy-wild-climb over everything and everyone toddler AND a newborn?
Will I EVER get out of the house?
Am I ever going to fit into my jeans again?
Me and husband have opposite schedules as is, will I ever see him once the new baby is here?
How do moms with more than one child do it?!
How am I going to breast-feed my newborn successfully with the hands of toddler constantly poking and prodding?
Will I ever sleep again?
Is there enough coffee in the world?
Can I get a boob job after this? (halfway joking)
Is it okay to open a bottle of wine before noon?
I worry about bringing a new child into this scary world.
And yes, I think it's scary.
Being a mom means you finally open your eyes to the world around you.
You realize how crazy this place is.
You begin to monitor everything.
From the music and shows you
watch, to what you
say, eat and wear.
Who knew how provocative and secular this place really truly is!
::Forgive my mania, I am sleep deprived and weeks away from delivery.
Everything I say or write CANNOT be taken against me::
Yes, this world can be daunting.
Especially when you want to control the world you put your children in.
You wish to protect them.
Love them, provide for them.
Establish good Christian morals, values and to shield them from the wackos and crazies.
I forever lived in a fantasy world as a child.
My fantasy world stretched far because my imagination was big and vivid (and still is.)
I guess, if I could just preserve that fantasy world just a bit longer for my kids would be the most ideal.
Am I being totally un-realistic? Perhaps so, but I'm just raising my kids. Not anyone else.
Sometimes I'm thankful I have two boys, because in some ways....
it seems easier to be a boy.
Maybe one day I'll have a girl, and my worries will only
multiply by a million and ten.
I definitely feel the world for growing little girls can be even more worrisome.
Mommies to little girls have a tough job.
But, to all the mommies out there I know with little princesses, well I know they're in great hands
It truly takes a momma-hero to raise beautiful, confident, moral young girls.
(In this world where 8 year olds are dressing 18!)
I guess, in many ways---as mommies we want to create a
world of happiness,
peace and
structure for our children.
A world where they feel safe.
A world where they can
learn and express themselves without judgments and boundaries.
I guess it just means we have to work harder as mommies.
Instead of constantly shielding them (like I plan on doing until my boys are 35)
I will have to learn to teach them.
Instructing them on how to be leaders, in a world of followers.
How to be gentleman, in a world where it's normal to hook up and hang out (as my preacher puts it.)
How to work hard, in a world where unemployment and debt are the norm.
Being a momma, means to worry.
And to have a million thoughts, ideas and plans going through our heads at hurricane speeds.
Guess it's time I spent some more times praying about this then these exhausting worrying thoughts.
Just my two cents :)
Hope everyone is doing well this week.
-HK-
