terrified and tired

I haven't been blogging like I've wanted to lately.
These last few weeks and days have been going fast, yet s-l-o-w.
Not like that makes sense...
but I guess to ladies that are in their last few weeks and days of pregnancy know what I mean.
I've been distracted and scattered brained...

More so now, I'm scared.
I'm actually terrified and tired of feeling this way.
You would think that after the first time giving birth, you'd be prepared (more) for the second time...
but, I'd say I'm either equally as scared as I was with Kie--or more so now.

My biggest worry is my c-section.
I don't like them.
I wish I was able to give birth naturally.
In fact, I'm jealous of the many moms that can.
I know it's not easy (I did labor and push for hours and hours so I'm aware of the work)
but the healing and the over-all connection just seems so much more natural and safe when birthing naturally.

I'm not trying to scare others about c-sections...
but to me they're awful.
Of course, everyone is different.

The first time,
I was exhausted--and I didn't know what csections were really--or what they entailed.
I just was ready to meet by baby.

After being strapped down---
and pumped full of medicines...
and no husband or family around--
I started to feel sick.
I wanted to throw up.
I was dizzy and the lights were so bright...
I felt like I was struggling to breath,
I felt like I was suffocating and I couldn't get away.
I started to panic...
Not to mention there were a million doctors and nurses rushing around me.
None of them talking....
None that I knew.
(My doctor wasn't on call that day)
Nor did it help that the doctor who did my c-section tell me RIGHT before they took me to the OR how awful c-sections were on a new mom. And how much excruciating pain I'd be experiencing once I was on the road to recovery.

Everything was happening so fast that I didn't know if it was normal to have so many doctors and nurses surrounding me and watching me as I lay there bounded down and helpless.
Or, were they prepping for something bad to happen? (Emergency-wise).

When Justin finally was allowed in, I forced him to talk to me about miniature horses and donkeys...
anything to get my mind off the pressure from the pulling and cutting...
and nausea I was feeling.
But he too was in shock of my need of c-section. And to be honest, I think HE was overwhelmed by it all. I could read his face. And the anxiety I saw in his eyes, did not comfort me.

I love my husband, but little was helping me feel better in those long minutes.
I just kept watching the clock--trying to hold off from crying or throwing up.

Finally Kie was delivered--but instead of crying out like he was suppose to--something was wrong.
Which scared me even more.
They finally got him to give a little cry and I burst into tears.
I couldn't stomach anything at this point.

I didn't get to see Kie or touch him--
and he was wheeled away--taken to another hospital.
I just knew something wasn't right.

I did see him briefly in the 'recovery area'....
he was quickly wheeled to me in an incubator---but I couldn't touch him. And before I got a good look at his face--he was gone.
Justin, too left to go be with him.
So I laid there, alone for an hour...
listening to the girl beside me throw up while she held her newborn.

It was a whirlwind.
A fast, crazy one that I don't want to re-visit.

I guess I felt like I had no control over anything.
Here I was, my body failed me to have a baby naturally...
I was forced into a c-section..(thanks to my failing body)
and then I didn't even have a baby to hold after all the hours or pushing/laboring and then a surgery?

And, my husband was no where to be found.
*Yes, I'm glad he went to be with Kie*
But it was hard to be isolated during all this.
I felt alone, sick and scared.

I guess my first go wasn't great,
and now I'm terrified of a repeat.

My c-section is scheduled for NOON.
Which means NO EATING.
If you know me,
then you know during pregnancy I have some awful blood sugar and blood pressure issues.

Typically pregnant women have HIGHER blood pressure.
Not me,
I have LOW, LOW blood pressure...
I get sick easily in the mornings or when I go too long without eating or drinking.
I also have LOW blood sugars...
which causes me to faint or black out.

The schedule for my doctor vs all the other doctor's delivering that day--(doing planned c-sections) means I got the later surgery.

There's nothing I can do.
So I worry.

I worry about being strapped down.
About the painful epidural I had...
(mine took over an hour to get and many, MANY tries)
I had a reaction from the epidural and had to be put on oxygen and I got the shakes really bad....

Overall,
my body hated the stress and medicines it was put under.

Thankfully, Kie was strong.
And still, I look at Kie now--and think it's so worth it.

Sure, it was hell.
And I'm scared that this time will also be bad,
but I know the outcome is worth it.

I know a lot of my worries is merely the devil scaring me.
And I know I need to lean on the Lord.
I guess I just needed to vent.
And in these nights (where I never sleep)
I toss with my big belly...
worried and scared of being on that table again.
In a room full of strangers...
strapped down---and cut into...

I worry.
I worry a lot.

Worried with each contraction that it's getting closer...
that soon instead of pushing out a baby--I'm at the mercy of strangers...
without any control...
And it's up to them to delivery my baby...
It's up to them I don't slip into a coma...
or get sick.
Or something.

I guess what I need is some prayers.
Some love and prayers.
And some Bible verses to dwell on.

I'd love to say that I'm super excited for my delivery date,
but as of now I'm just scared.
Of course, meeting Baby K is really exciting--
but this impending surgery is like the dark cloud that seems to be casting a shadow on this momma's parade.

-hk-