Tuesday, October 9, 2012

terrified and tired

I haven't been blogging like I've wanted to lately.
These last few weeks and days have been going fast, yet s-l-o-w.
Not like that makes sense...
but I guess to ladies that are in their last few weeks and days of pregnancy know what I mean.
I've been distracted and scattered brained...

More so now, I'm scared.
I'm actually terrified and tired of feeling this way.
You would think that after the first time giving birth, you'd be prepared (more) for the second time...
but, I'd say I'm either equally as scared as I was with Kie--or more so now.

My biggest worry is my c-section.
I don't like them.
I wish I was able to give birth naturally.
In fact, I'm jealous of the many moms that can.
I know it's not easy (I did labor and push for hours and hours so I'm aware of the work)
but the healing and the over-all connection just seems so much more natural and safe when birthing naturally.

I'm not trying to scare others about c-sections...
but to me they're awful.
Of course, everyone is different.

The first time,
I was exhausted--and I didn't know what csections were really--or what they entailed.
I just was ready to meet by baby.

After being strapped down---
and pumped full of medicines...
and no husband or family around--
I started to feel sick.
I wanted to throw up.
I was dizzy and the lights were so bright...
I felt like I was struggling to breath,
I felt like I was suffocating and I couldn't get away.
I started to panic...
Not to mention there were a million doctors and nurses rushing around me.
None of them talking....
None that I knew.
(My doctor wasn't on call that day)
Nor did it help that the doctor who did my c-section tell me RIGHT before they took me to the OR how awful c-sections were on a new mom. And how much excruciating pain I'd be experiencing once I was on the road to recovery.

Everything was happening so fast that I didn't know if it was normal to have so many doctors and nurses surrounding me and watching me as I lay there bounded down and helpless.
Or, were they prepping for something bad to happen? (Emergency-wise).

When Justin finally was allowed in, I forced him to talk to me about miniature horses and donkeys...
anything to get my mind off the pressure from the pulling and cutting...
and nausea I was feeling.
But he too was in shock of my need of c-section. And to be honest, I think HE was overwhelmed by it all. I could read his face. And the anxiety I saw in his eyes, did not comfort me.

I love my husband, but little was helping me feel better in those long minutes.
I just kept watching the clock--trying to hold off from crying or throwing up.

Finally Kie was delivered--but instead of crying out like he was suppose to--something was wrong.
Which scared me even more.
They finally got him to give a little cry and I burst into tears.
I couldn't stomach anything at this point.

I didn't get to see Kie or touch him--
and he was wheeled away--taken to another hospital.
I just knew something wasn't right.

I did see him briefly in the 'recovery area'....
he was quickly wheeled to me in an incubator---but I couldn't touch him. And before I got a good look at his face--he was gone.
Justin, too left to go be with him.
So I laid there, alone for an hour...
listening to the girl beside me throw up while she held her newborn.

It was a whirlwind.
A fast, crazy one that I don't want to re-visit.

I guess I felt like I had no control over anything.
Here I was, my body failed me to have a baby naturally...
I was forced into a c-section..(thanks to my failing body)
and then I didn't even have a baby to hold after all the hours or pushing/laboring and then a surgery?

And, my husband was no where to be found.
*Yes, I'm glad he went to be with Kie*
But it was hard to be isolated during all this.
I felt alone, sick and scared.

I guess my first go wasn't great,
and now I'm terrified of a repeat.

My c-section is scheduled for NOON.
Which means NO EATING.
If you know me,
then you know during pregnancy I have some awful blood sugar and blood pressure issues.

Typically pregnant women have HIGHER blood pressure.
Not me,
I have LOW, LOW blood pressure...
I get sick easily in the mornings or when I go too long without eating or drinking.
I also have LOW blood sugars...
which causes me to faint or black out.

The schedule for my doctor vs all the other doctor's delivering that day--(doing planned c-sections) means I got the later surgery.

There's nothing I can do.
So I worry.

I worry about being strapped down.
About the painful epidural I had...
(mine took over an hour to get and many, MANY tries)
I had a reaction from the epidural and had to be put on oxygen and I got the shakes really bad....

my body hated the stress and medicines it was put under.

Thankfully, Kie was strong.
And still, I look at Kie now--and think it's so worth it.

Sure, it was hell.
And I'm scared that this time will also be bad,
but I know the outcome is worth it.

I know a lot of my worries is merely the devil scaring me.
And I know I need to lean on the Lord.
I guess I just needed to vent.
And in these nights (where I never sleep)
I toss with my big belly...
worried and scared of being on that table again.
In a room full of strangers...
strapped down---and cut into...

I worry.
I worry a lot.

Worried with each contraction that it's getting closer...
that soon instead of pushing out a baby--I'm at the mercy of strangers...
without any control...
And it's up to them to delivery my baby...
It's up to them I don't slip into a coma...
or get sick.
Or something.

I guess what I need is some prayers.
Some love and prayers.
And some Bible verses to dwell on.

I'd love to say that I'm super excited for my delivery date,
but as of now I'm just scared.
Of course, meeting Baby K is really exciting--
but this impending surgery is like the dark cloud that seems to be casting a shadow on this momma's parade.



  1. Thinking of you and praying for you. I am scared too. I wish I had words of encouragement, but this is my first baby and we are due tomorrow. I don't know what to expect or what to do to prepare myself for every possible scenario... but it's not up to us anyhow.

    You will do great. I know you will.

  2. Aw thanks Melissa...
    I'm so sorry and don't mean to scare you. I know you'll have an easy delivery....
    In fact, I can't wait to read about it.
    My past delivery is a rare outcome. You'll be one of those moms I'm jealous of because you'll easily have him naturally and be a pro at it!! Thinking of you and praying as well. :)

  3. HK - I wanted to share with you my thoughts on your upcoming journey. I just had a baby in May. We took the classes at the hospital-which were boring but we wanted to have the basic information on all the different medical interventions that can occur during labor.
    We are first time parents, my pregnancy went smoothly, we planned on delivering natural. Overall we had no expectations knowing full well anything could happen. All I wanted was to labor in the tub. We just prayed for health baby and mom. Baby had her own plans. I labored at home for about 5 hours before heading to the hospital. We got checked in and the admitting nurse told us we were 6 cm dialated. AWESOME! They got the labor tub ready. We were shown to our room and entered the laboring tub. After about 3 hours of pretty intense and close contractions our labor nurse checked my progress. She hesitated before telling us (me, my husband and doula) that I was only 3 cm. WHAT! You can't go backwards. Our conclusion was that the admitting nurse had measured wrong. By getting in the tub too early can prevent progression. So begins our journey. I continued to labor for 3 more hours. At 3 in morning and nearly 12 hours of labor I decided to get the epidural. My body was exhausted and I didn't understand how my body was working so hard yet not doing any work. At 6 in the morning I still hadn't progressed beyond 4 and they decided I need pitocin. Another unplanned medical intervention. After a couple of hours they tried to increase the dose and everytime they did our babe's heart rate would drop and then spike. So our dr went to lunch and said if we didn't have baby while she was gone we would talk about the next steps. Well, no baby during lunch and I still hadn't progressed past 5 cm and it had been 22 hours. A c-section was the answer. I balled instantly. While we had no expectations going in to delivering our baby, a c-section was the last possible solution I had prepared for. I cried because I would not be delivering our baby natural, sad that my body was not cooperating, thankful that I wouldn't have to labor any longer because my body was physically done and blessed that our baby would be delivered safe and sound.

    Our doctor and nurses were very informative. However, we had many questions. When will my husband be able to come in with me, what about when baby is born-can he cut the cord? Our wish to have immediate skin to skin contact was shattered. Will all of this hurt? I have to admit that the overall process while scary was pretty uneventful. I never felt anything and the next thing I knew baby was here. We were able to see her right away and my husband was able to hold her and go with her to the nursery. Yes, I too was then alone then. But knowing our babe was in safe hands and that I needed to be cared for was ok with me. Gave me some time to reflect on what had just happened. In the recovery room my doula was waiting. Have you thought about having a close friend or doula to be there for you? I have to say having another support person really helped me in this journey.

    In the end, both baby and I had fevers when she was born (face up mind you-so doctor said she never would have delievered naturally-big guy upstairs was looking down on us), so after we got to spend only 45 minutes with her she was whisked off to special care nursery where she spent 4 days. Us visiting her every 3 hours for feeding.


  4. All I can say is God doesn't give us anything we can't handle. All we can do is be prepared and informed to the best of our abilities and know that what ever happens is the journey that we are supposed to embark on. No matter how different than we had planned. It's ok to be sad that what we had envisioned didn't happen, but know that in the end we are ok and have healthy children. I pray for you as this time passes. Be sure to take care of yourself first. If you aren't healthy you won't be able to be there for your babes and they need you. Get some help for when you are home so that you can rest and properly heal. That is so very important. The pain after will be there, but it shouldn't be unbearable, I feel like it serves as a reminder to relax and rest. While we want to be super women, we are only one person.

    You are a strong and amazing woman. You will get through this-give yourself a break!

    One last thought - we are our own advocates of health. I know that you are already getting the shaft with your insurance. So even more you need to get what you want. If you don't like a nurse, ask to speak to the manager and get a new one. They are there to serve you and your family. Just because they are around that stuff all day every day and are comfortable with it, doesn't mean we have to be. We also had to request new nurses that were caring for your babe in special care because they were so rude to us. They took great care of our baby, but it was how they treated us made us uncomfortable. We have rights as patients to be treated like more than just a number passing through.



    1. Michele,

      Thanks soooo much for sharing! I had a long reply back and for some reason it never appeared. Thanks for sharing your story. I love reading birth stories ;) And I have never thought about asking for a new nurse--but you're so right, since we pay for it ultimately--we should be able to make requests! Especially, if they're not treating our babies right. Or, if we're not comfortable how things are being handled.

      I have been finding more peace lately with my surgery (talk to me later to see if this still stands) but I have been praying and depending on God to give me peace & comfort and to watch over everyone involved.

      My last experience was hard just because my son was taken to another hospital and in the NICU. I was stuck at a hospital 10 miles away (could of been 1,000!) I was stuck there for 3 days until I was released to be with him.
      So I think I suffered a bout of depression or so...It was a rough few weeks.
      But, we both survived and are healthy so that's all I should concentrate on.
      Anyway, thanks for the uplifting words --I truly appreciate the love and kindness....
      <3 Halley


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