Monday, April 4, 2011

What is anger?

My heart is heavy right now.  Perhaps also in a million and ten pieces.  I guess this will be more so a "personal entry" then anything I've written before.  I write because I am a writer and it's my outlet.  I wrote while in college at UT (screenwriting, nonetheless) but it was my outlet.

Also, when I was younger--I kept a journal.  So really, I've always been a writer.  
I digress....

I'm writing because I'm in pain.  I'm writing because I'm hurting.  I'm writing because I'm lost, confused, torn, disappointed, depressed, down and out.

It's amazing the many feelings we can feel as humans.  Some ranging from splendid and glorious to some feelings that are probably the closest a person can get to hell (without actually being there). 

I find peace in the fact that one day, ONE DAY--I will be in Heaven, away from all the hurt a person can feel.

Now I'm not writing this because someone has died, a friend backstabbed me, or because I'm getting a divorce.  I'm writing because yes, my heart is broken.  I'm writing because of the pain humans can cause one another.

I'm writing this because of the hurt and confusion we can inflict on another person's heart and soul.

The damage we can do with our words and actions is astounding.  And I'm not even talking about REAL evil people like terrorist and horrid dictators that kill their own people and spur civil wars.  

I'm talking about Christians hurting their loved ones, their friends, their spouses and God forbid--their children.

Thing is, I have a horrid issue.  An issue I'm definitely very aware of and an issue I've dealt with my entire life.

I have a lot of anger.

A lot of anger.

I don't know where this anger comes from.  I've got SOME ideas but I don't think my anger comes from just one source.

I think my anger derives from hurt I've experienced in life, hurt I've witnessed in life---and the hurt I've caused in life.

The worse of my anger is usually targeted towards those I love the most....which is the worse curse I've ever encountered.

My anger can come out at the oddest of times.  A word can set me off, a feeling, a person, a mood.

All of a sudden I snap.  I'm like a ticking time bomb.  Luckily I save this anger (I say this sarcastically) for people that are closest to me.  Be it my best friend, my mom, my brother or my husband.

When I was young and lived at home, I'd push my parents buttons.  When I lived with my brother, I pushed his.  When a friend upset me or hurt me, I'd hurt them back.  (Ok, not as bad as I would my brother.)  Same goes for my husband.  He hurts me, or even if he doesn't...I push buttons.

All I can think for this horrible phenomenon is that it comes from anger.

Well, what IS anger?

Anger: a strong emotion; a feeling that is oriented toward some real or supposed grievance.

That doesn't explain much to me at all.
The Bible, however, says A LOT about anger.  And basically how it's pretty horrible to have in your life.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you (Ephesians 4:29-32).

Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret-it leads only to evil (Psalm 37:8).

Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing (Proverbs 12:18).

A wise man fears the Lord and shuns evil, but a fool is hotheaded and reckless (Proverbs 14:16

But how do you WORK through your anger? How do you really let it go?
I don't know.  I wish I had the answers.  
My problem is my anger builds.  It builds over time.  Over the hurt, over the mean words, the actions, the thoughts (be it wrong or right) the assumptions, the pettiness....
My anger builds steam and once I blow--there's no stopping me.
I come at you with everything I got.  Every hurtful word or action you've done will flood over me and I revisit those hurtful moments again by bringing them up.  I push and push and push! It's like vomit.  Forcing itself out of me.  I start to shake and I have no control over this venom spewing from my lips.

Now I DO refrain from cursing.  I use to have a hard time with that.  But with lots of patience and prayer, God taught me to clean up my vocabulary.
However, I still have the anger. 
I may not throw things or hit, or curse but oh boy I am good at making you feel bad.
Sad thing is, when you love someone they usually know your weakness and you know theirs.  Easiest way to get to them is to target that soft spot.

Now I personally don't believe when loved ones fight they INTEND to push those certain buttons out of pleasure or out of pure malice.  I think the Devil is quick to show you how to steer the fight.  Because truth is, not all fights/disagreements are bad.  But they can get bad quick.
One of my biggest sins in life (and yes I'm announcing this on my blog) is my anger and attitude.

I get snappy very quickly.  I sometimes want to be blame my attitude on not sleeping due to the baby, which is part to blame.  I like to blame PMS, I blame that I've not had my caffeine for the day, or that I was cut off while driving or that I'm on edge today because someone hurt my feelings....whatever it may is JUST AN EXCUSE.

I'm tired of using excuses for my anger and bad attitude.
I need help!
I need God's greatness to overcome me and CHANGE me!  
Lord please change me.  Mold me and make me new.  Take my heart and fulfill it with Your Spirit.

Hold my tongue Lord.  Give me peace and humility.  Lord, I don't want to hurt or push anyone else away.  I need to show others YOUR love.  I am tired of being in the wrong.  I don't want to be hateful or hurtful.  I just want to show love at all times.  I beg You Lord to make me more like Your Son, Jesus Christ.  Make me beautiful inside.  Help me to be quiet and calm.  I want to be submissive to my husband, to honor my family and friends.  But most of all to live a life according to Your will so that You will be praised.  I want to please you God.  Help me to be the woman of God I desperately long to be.  Speak to me through Your word. Speak to me in anyway that I can understand.  Forgive me for my short, SHORTcomings.  Forgive me of the hurt and pain I've caused.  The evilness that lurks deep within my heart.  Please Lord dissipate this anger, this hurt I feel.  Take it away so that I can finally be the Christian I need to be.  Forgive me for hurting and dishonoring You.  For being SO much like this secular world.  Forgive me for failing others and You.  Forgive me for all the pain I've caused.
Please Lord Jesus, take me and make me into a new woman.  I need Your forgiveness and Your guidance like I need the air to breathe.  Because if I continue living life in sin and hurting others then I might as well be dead.  Because this is no way to live.  
Thank You for all the love You give and the beautiful mercy You've graced me with.  

In Your Son's Holy name, Amen.

Wow, ok...I've definitely typed out prayers before--but not on my blog.
So yes, I may be over sharing some.  But, this is my outlet.  I needed to be real.
And the real truth is... I need God's guidance, love and written Word more now than ever.
I'm tired of hurting others and getting hurt as well.  I need a change.  A change in attitude.'s 3:30am.  I'm not sleeping because I can't sleep.
I guess the best thing to do is get my Bible and start reading.  I pray God will direct me to some Scripture.  I know this isn't going to be an over night recovery.  This is my biggest sin and character flaw.

I need an attitude adjustment.  I need a GOD adjustment.
I have been thinking too much about ME ME ME...that I've also managed to push out God.

And I'm realizing that the Devil has put a big, fat hook in me and is trying to reel me in.  But, I'm cutting the line.  I may drown some in the water for awhile but I will find my way again.  I'll find my way because this time I'm reaching for God and not for what I think is best. Or what I think will work.

Ok, I'm ending this.  Kie will be up in an hour or two. And I've not had any sleep. So here's to a better day tomorrow.


1 comment:

  1. Wow. I am speechless. I feel as though you took the words right out of my mouth. That what you wrote, I could have written. I struggle with my anger SO much. And just like you said, it stems from multiple people that have hurt me in the past, and now little things just make me snap. And I HATE it. But it's not something that one day, you wake up, and you can make it go away. It's a working progress. And I'm also trying to work very hard at it. Thanks for writing this post. Beautifully written.


Search This Blog

You Might Also Like: